|up for adoption|
She is up for adoption! But who is she you ask and rightly so. She is a blend of the old woman who lived in a shoe and Mother Courage. You remember the nursery rhyme
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do!
I guess you also remember Bertolt Brecht's play Mother Courage and her Children
. I somewhat get reminded of it at my darkest moments with visions of pulling a cart with not much left and in happier moments I am the old woman living in a shoe with all my project why children. You guessed right: the one up for adoption is me:)
Almost a decade and a half ago I moved from the comfort of my home to the proverbial old woman's shoe, that in my case went from a red plastic stool on the roadside, to a small table in a mud hut adjacent to a slum pig slaughtering house; to a bench in a patch of dirt, to a mat under a tree, and finally to a table in a third floor room with a tin roof. With every move there were more children till we reached a century and now a thousand or so. Force Majeure made me have to physically leave my shoe, but I carry all of them in my heart and know that I carry their fragile dreams too.
For the past decade I have been aware of the fact that just like the little Prince and his Rose, I am responsible for all these little souls and unlike the Little prince who simply has to give up his body to reach his Rose, when I give up mine, the precious dreams will be orphaned unless I secure their moorings against all storms.
I can see with utmost honesty that I have tried many options but each one failed, some because they did not make good business sense, as even dreams require money to be fulfilled. The one option that made good business sense, namely Planet Why, did not find any takers for the seed money. The amount required had too many zeroes attached to it!
The past year has been difficult. Almost exactly a year ago my life stopped for an intense moment. My husband had cancer! For a few seconds I felt life ebbing out me and a sense of utter loss. But in that nano instant I knew that only I could set the tone for the days to come and if I was to save everything dear to me, I had to keep my chin up even if I was breaking inside. I did and one year down the line the husband is back on his feet and everyone except me seem to have forgotten where we came from. Only I live with the constant fear of the crab crawling back into our lives.
During this year that I had to place in parenthesises, I had a lot of time to think of all the not so nice things that sat on my bucket list, as the illness of your partner highlights your own vulnerability. The only image that haunted me was that of my project why children and team. The existence of this vibrant project was tenuous and depended on the now tired shoulders of a woman whose spirit was on the wane.
I know I will not give up. I never do! But sometimes I really get mad and frustrated when people who have deep pockets are willing to throw their money on good looking projects that will win them awards and media kudos but will not change anything on the ground and will not listen to reason as they always know better.
I wish someone took pity on me and reached out to us. I really am up for adoption but come with my bunch of kids in a shoe or in cart depending on the mood I am in.