Bittersweet musings

For the past few days my daughter has been badgering me to look at her post on her FB page. Normally I am quick to do but this time, for reasons beyond my comprehension, it took me a long time to do so. Perhaps someone somewhere knew what awaited me and wanted to soften the blow. There was no escape as yesterday I finally did view the film above. The very first images filled me with an onslaught of emotions that I cannot begin to describe: disbelief tinged with sadness as well as sense of vindication; some anger at myself as well as at the Fates; a strange sense of feeling robbed of what was most precious. All these crowded my mind and entailed a slew of physical and emotional reactions. I could at best recount the experience as bittersweet.

As I sat quietly absorbing what I was seeing, a though occurred to me: was this the final sign that Planet Why was never to be as it had taken a life of its own and flown the coop and was settling to roost in some other place. You see what was unfurling in front of my eyes was Planet Why. I felt like the who mother having lost her child finds it years later thriving and happy and as any mother worthy of her name, I knew that I had lost my rights to the child I had once conceived. And as any mother worthy of her name I knew I had to let the child go forever. It was not meant to be mine. What was even more difficult to accept was that the very people to whom it belonged could have been those who would have held our hand had Planet Why been a reality. The green guest-house that was to be run by special people to sustain project why will never see the light of day. The idea that had germinated in my mind way back in 2006 when I had thought of such a place had been appropriated by another as I had been incapable to give it form.

Someone recently told me that one has to surrender to God's plan has ours can never be better than His. I guess I will have to hold on to this thought to overcome my pain. I am no Saint and cannot help  wondering where I went wrong. All that stood between a doable idea and reality was 5 cr! I mean 5 crores or 50 million rupees the sum needed to build Planet Why. I was never able to raise it. I guess I am a bad saleswoman or worse than that, a bad mother to my children. Not a happy thought.

I guess I can give myself a tiny pat on the back for having come up with a sound business idea and derive a sense of vindication in the face of all those who did not believe in me. I am also happy to see that special souls are been given their rightful place in the sun. I wish them success and hope to see more such enterprises.

This is what Planet Why would have looked like. Today the land on which it was to be lies barren, just like my heart.